Ingredients:

2 loaves of Wonder bread

1 medium onion

1 stock of celery

2 teaspoons of sage

1 49 oz. can of Sue Bee Chicken Broth

1 egg

1/2 cup of milk

2 sticks of Land-O-Lakes butter

It is imperative to keep in mind that there are to be no substitutes considered when shopping for these ingredients.  Substitute low fat, or no salt margarine for the butter?  Absolutely not.  Trade off whole grain bread for the traditional Wonder white?  Don’t go there!  No healthy alternatives will be tolerated in the preparation of this turkey! 

First and foremost, you must carefully wash out your roaster because, no doubt, your roaster has been sitting unused since last Thanksgiving.  Spray the roaster pan with PAM non-stick spray.  Wait ten minutes and repeat this process.

Tear up the slices of bread into pieces, creating approximately six pieces per slice of bread.  Notice, the bread is referred to as ‘pieces’ not crumbs.  The bread is to be torn into ‘pieces’ not pulverized into crumby crumbs.

Toss the bread pieces into an aluminum pan or other appropriate baking surface and place in a pre-headed oven at 320 degrees for 10 minutes.  The bread should be lightly toasted.

Pour one and a half cups of the Sue Bee Chicken Broth into the

While the bread is toasting, finely chop the onion and six sticks of celery.  Using a food processor to perform this task is unacceptable.  Suffering is mandatory and elbow grease only makes food taste that much better.

Pour one and a half cups of the Sue Bee Chicken Broth into the bottom of the roaster.  It is now time to crank the roaster up to a temperature just barely warm enough to melt the butter.  Melt one stick of butter into the bottom of the roaster with the chicken broth. 

This is an appropriate time to discuss chicken broth.  Other cooks may opt to make their own chicken broth.  Other cooks may opt to refer to ‘chicken broth’ by the term ‘chicken stock’.  This terminology is considered uppity and possibly an indication of liberal leanings and as so should be not be used.  Other cooks may think they are above popping a can of Sue Bee Chicken Broth open.  We are not other cooks.  We see no shame in using store-bought Sue Bee Chicken Broth and will hold our heads up high as we pour this amazing monosodium based liquid into the pan for our family’s consumption.

Using a pan on the stove top, cook the chopped onion and celery in a tablespoon of butter until the pieces are slightly translucent.  I would use the term ‘sauté’ here to describe the process of preparing the onion and celery, but again, we must avoid terms that may be considered uppity and/or elitist. 

I like to crush a clove of garlic to put it in with the onion and celery when it is being cooked but this is not part of the official Aunt Mary Method.  The garlic is an option that may be considered according to each individual’s own good judgment or level of recklessness. 

Place the bread pieces into the roaster with the Sue Bee Broth.  Shake 2 teaspoons of sage over the bread pieces.  Crack one egg over the top of the bread pieces.  Pour in 1/2 cup of milk.  Dump the onion and celery mixture over the bread pieces and with a large spoon or small boat oar, gently fold all the ingredients together. 

If the turkey you are using is a Butterball, you may not want to pour the entire contents of the 49 oz. can of Sue Bee Chicken Broth into the dressing mixture.  This can lead to a phenomenon known as ‘turkey soup’.  Save the remaining broth adding it only as needed when the turkey and dressing is periodically checked during the course of the roasting process.

Leave some of the dressing mixture on the bottom of the roaster.  Push some of the mixture to the sides, top and bottom of the roaster to prepare a nest of dressing where the turkey will be placed.

Hopefully you’ve thawed your frozen turkey in the refrigerator over a period of the previous two or three days.  If not, it’s time to call for pizza delivery. 

Perform the ritual of washing the turkey, drying it with paper towels.  Rub the wings and legs with butter to prevent them from drying out during the roasting process.  Place the turkey in the roaster with the dressing mixture.  Turn the temperature of the roaster up to 325 degrees.  Place the lid on the roaster with the vents that are in the top of the roaster closed.  Roast the turkey and dressing mixture for 20 minutes per pound of turkey. 

Stir the dressing mixture periodically to make sure it isn’t sticking to the pan.  For the final half hour, turn the roaster down to 250 degrees.

The dressing mixture is scooped out of the roaster and placed in a serving bowl.  Removing the turkey from the roaster at this point is a challenge.  It tends to want to fall apart as it is lifted from the roaster.  It may be best to carve as much of the turkey as possible while it remains in the roaster.  Rather than attempting the wrestle the scalding hot, uncooperative turkey as a whole, the sliced turkey may then be placed on a serving platter and placed calmly on the dinning room table for all to admire and promptly consume.

1 pound of cranberries (Ocean Spray brand only)

2 apples (peeled)

2 oranges (peeled)

1 ½ cup of sugar

2 regular sized boxes of raspberry Jello

½ cup of nuts—pecans, please!

Place the cranberries in food chopper and chop moderately.  Use caution not to chop too finely.  Add oranges and apples in food chopper.  Chop the oranges, apples and cranberries together.  Place the chopped oranges, apples and cranberries in a mixing bowl.

Stir in sugar and mix.  Let ingredients sit for 2 hours.  Dissolve the raspberry Jello in 2 cups of hot water.  Do not add any cold water.  Mix the nuts in with the Jello and stir all together with the cranberry, orange and apple mixture.  Place in refrigerator.  Stir every half hour or so (it takes about three times) until the mixture sets.  If you skip the stirring step, the ingredients may settle to the bottom rather then being evenly distributed.  

When I made this dish I substituted mandarin oranges for the regular oranges.  This gave the dish more orange flavor and less orange pulp.  I also cut the 2 cups of hot water in the Jello to a cup and a half.  This modification in the recipe made the texture of the finished cranberry salad firmer and less gloppy.  However, the original gloppy texture is traditional and may be preferred by those seeking to honor the historical context of this dish.

The Dreaded Sweatshirt Pocket

Here we have a photo of the dreaded sweatshirt pocket.  Innocent enough in appearance, the sweatshirt pocket in execution is a challenge not for the faint of heart.  I would urge beginning knitters NOT to attempt this exercise from the Sweater Workshop without the benefit of the assistance of a more advanced knitter and/or the phone number of the nearest crisis center.

We are using Jacqueline Fee’s classic book The Sweater Workshop as our guide.  The concept is to complete the knitting sampler as outlined in the first fifty six diabolical pages of Fee’s book before moving on to knit a sweater of our own individual design.  I probably should have gained more basic knitting skills before attempting to master the knitting sampler from hell as outlined in Jacqueline Fee’s treacherous tome. 

We have six participants in our class.  All six of us attended the first session.  When we gathered for the second session, two participants phoned in to let us know that they’d already finished with the sampler and would rejoin the group we were ready to move on to the stage of sweater design. 

This was a rather demoralizing message to me, especially knowing that I had only managed to complete the first seven pages of the sampler project steps.  At that rate, I’d be ready to go on to the sweater design stage some time in the next millennium.  The wonderful, patient instructor of the class assured us that we could call her at any time for additional help while working through the Fee sampler pages.  She provided us with the shop phone number, her home phone number and even her cell number so that we could reach her at any point in the process.  Yet  I knew that I’d need more remedial assistance to work through the stumbling blocks that I was encountering. 

I knew then that I had only two options:  1) Construct the best possible most feasible poor and pitiful excuse to drop out of the class or 2) Find a knitting tutor who might be able to work through the book with me line by line by line and page by painful page.